Monthly Archives: January 2015

Breathing Under Water Kind of Day

Today was a pretty good day, despite feeling like I was walking around breathing under water. I am quite certain I am looking at the early stages of a sinus infection. Before I go running to the doctor though, I will try beating it here on my own.  That said this feeling threw a monkey wrench into how I saw my day going.

Last night I wrote that I saw myself waking early to have extra quiet time, and filling my cup before tending to the needs of my family. Silly me though I forgot how my expectations seldom match up with reality. I awoke only minutes before the children, and just as I opened my bible my hubby steps out of the shower and begins talking to me. It is in that moment I decided instead of reading my bible to tend to the family.

This is not to say I neglected my bible, no, I grabbed my phone and listened to the bible app read to me this morning, as I made breakfast and lunch for my darling. As he headed off to work I fed myself and the children. From there I moved slowly through the morning.

Our morning school time was a brief lesson that introduced The American Civil War and what it was over. I loved my oldest’s comment regarding her realization as to what a slave is, “That is NOT awesome.” (Lately everything is either amazing or awesome. So for something to be not awesome is a BIG deal to her.) Anyway our lesson on slavery was followed up by a reading from Little House in the Big Woods. I have to say I love how this book has both my 5- year old and almost 4- year old engaged.

Later in the day I introduced a new series of lessons to my children, but because I still felt like I was breathing under water these lessons were had from the snuggly comfort of my queen size bed. I have to say that is one of the things I love about homeschooling the kids, there is no one size fits all perfect way to do it. We have a classroom we created to use, which we do, but you can just as often find us in the living room, in the kitchen, or maybe snuggled up in Mommy and Daddy’s bed for a lesson.

I think my favorite part of the day though was enjoying a pancake breakfast, for dinner with the family. Yes dinner time here has it’s inherent stressors, “keep your elbows off the table,” “sit up,” “mouth closed,” “elbows,” “eat, just eat, please.” But there is still something sweet about the family sitting down and really enjoying a meal together. Now I can please 5 people with every aspect of a meal, but when I know I have a meal that can at least make everyone smile, I will call that a win.

I hope your day was sweet. That even in the midst of the crazy, the frustrating, and the tiring you had those sweet moments. Those moments that make your soul sing and you can look at and say you know what? Today was a good day.

Good night. Sleep tight. And don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Perfect Storm

Today was the perfect storm of events for a horrible no good very bad day here. It has been a day that has left me drained, depressed, and emotionally rung through the ringer.

It started with no one showing for the Women’s Group I was hoping to lead. Progressing to the realization I had no friend I could call to invite over and commiserate with. It became the kind of morning/ early afternoon I would have just liked to have had a friend to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee and conversation with.

Instead, it turned into my toddler screaming at me for food and then not wanting to eat what was for lunch. My 3 and 5-year olds fussing over lunch as well. To then being kicked and having my hair pulled because I was trying to next put the toddler in bed. When the tired child finally gave in to the much needed sleep, I looked at the older two and all eyes were closed and breathing regular.  Or so I thought…

I go to lay down and I hear my oldest talking and progressively louder.  I go in the room to tell her to be quiet and not wake her sleeping sisters when I see what just causes me loose it. Now this is not to say I blame the child it is to say in a tired and depressed state I made poor choices. I yelled, I screamed, and handled her far too roughly. And what was this trigger? Darling middle daughter was poking the eye of my sleeping toddler who fought me, quiet literally, to go to sleep.

This lead to a mess of phone calls and messages between my husband and myself, to me spending most of 2.5 hours hiding in my closet. I cried to God, cried to my husband, cried for myself, and at times just cried. The mom guilt was heavy with me. I felt I didn’t deserve my children. I felt they would be better off with just about anyone other than me.

I have to tell you this level of feeling alone, tired, and guilt is not good for anyone. It is draining. When you add in crazy pregnancy hormones and mood swings everything is magnified. If I could have kept perspective through each step then maybe I wouldn’t be getting ready to tell you and my husband good night now. I plan to be in bed before 8:30 here. I plan to rest, re charge my batteries, and perhaps start my day a little earlier tomorrow. That way I can enjoy a few extra moments alone with God before the kids come at me with all their needs. I know if I can fill my cup before I attempt to fill theirs I will be in a better spot tomorrow.

So good night, sleep tight, and don’t let the bed bugs bite.


Writing, My Day, and Big News

So I have started and stopped writing here on several occasions. I have had big plans. Now I lay those plans to rest and I purpose just to write. Honestly when I write for viewership, or what I think will be of interest to others it drains me. On the other hand when I write  for myself it refills me. I think part of my problem with starting this blog back up again is not understanding the difference.

Today was a day full of run, run, run. From the moment I got up I knew I had a list that was extensive that I needed to get done. Still I stopped this morning and had a few quiet moments alone with God. In those moments, I found the peace I needed to step forward into my day.

I so appreciated that peace by lunch time, because by then I had done almost a comically long list of tasks. I had set up my five year old with ABCMouse so she could get some school in today. I collected eggs, folded some laundry, found my almost 2-year old eating toothpaste. I think the girls and I picked up the same mess 3 different times. I made breakfast, and had lunch in the works, while I was trying to get us out the door.

See today I had an appointment with a maternal fetal medicine doctor. (Due to personal and family history my OB wants to follow me a little more closely, but did not feel I was high risk.) This appointment meant that not only did I have a 40 minute drive to go see the specialist, I also had to get the kids to the babysitter’s place. Well between my attempts to keep moving us along and mostly I think due to the grace of God I made it to my appointment on time.

In fact when I finally arrived today, they asked if I would mind pushing back my appointment by 15-20 minutes. A lady who had the appointment right after mine, had her husband going into surgery at the same time as her appointment and wanted to be there for him when he went in. I said no problem. I understand. In fact the extra time gave me time to read and breathe.

Overall, my appointment went well. Baby is looking healthy, but is bigger than they were looking for to run some of the tests. So I will need to go back in two weeks so we can run some different tests that look for the same thing, but in a different way. I also received some really exciting news. The ultrasound tech and the doctor both agree that my newest little one will be a boy. The tech said it is still a little early to say with 100% certainty, but she felt that there was, “too much between the legs,” for her to want to say girl.

So finally after three girls our family will be welcoming a little boy. We are excited, because he will be a welcome change. I love the pink and girly but I am ready for something different. Rusty is excited that he will no longer be quite so out numbered. In the end though if for some reason the doctor and the tech are wrong we will be still happy to welcome more pink into our world.

The rest of my day was a flurry of getting the kids, going to speech therapy, making dinner, bed time routines, and fussy babes. So then for me to say at this point I am exhausted and thankful for stillness, feels like an understatement.

Good night.