Today was the perfect storm of events for a horrible no good very bad day here. It has been a day that has left me drained, depressed, and emotionally rung through the ringer.
It started with no one showing for the Women’s Group I was hoping to lead. Progressing to the realization I had no friend I could call to invite over and commiserate with. It became the kind of morning/ early afternoon I would have just liked to have had a friend to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee and conversation with.
Instead, it turned into my toddler screaming at me for food and then not wanting to eat what was for lunch. My 3 and 5-year olds fussing over lunch as well. To then being kicked and having my hair pulled because I was trying to next put the toddler in bed. When the tired child finally gave in to the much needed sleep, I looked at the older two and all eyes were closed and breathing regular. Or so I thought…
I go to lay down and I hear my oldest talking and progressively louder. I go in the room to tell her to be quiet and not wake her sleeping sisters when I see what just causes me loose it. Now this is not to say I blame the child it is to say in a tired and depressed state I made poor choices. I yelled, I screamed, and handled her far too roughly. And what was this trigger? Darling middle daughter was poking the eye of my sleeping toddler who fought me, quiet literally, to go to sleep.
This lead to a mess of phone calls and messages between my husband and myself, to me spending most of 2.5 hours hiding in my closet. I cried to God, cried to my husband, cried for myself, and at times just cried. The mom guilt was heavy with me. I felt I didn’t deserve my children. I felt they would be better off with just about anyone other than me.
I have to tell you this level of feeling alone, tired, and guilt is not good for anyone. It is draining. When you add in crazy pregnancy hormones and mood swings everything is magnified. If I could have kept perspective through each step then maybe I wouldn’t be getting ready to tell you and my husband good night now. I plan to be in bed before 8:30 here. I plan to rest, re charge my batteries, and perhaps start my day a little earlier tomorrow. That way I can enjoy a few extra moments alone with God before the kids come at me with all their needs. I know if I can fill my cup before I attempt to fill theirs I will be in a better spot tomorrow.
So good night, sleep tight, and don’t let the bed bugs bite.